my life has changed tremendously. i honestly never thought my life would ever turn out this way. all those nights where i felt so hopeless, so down, so.. numb. those were the worst feelings in the world. i had such a void inside of me, so big that i thought one day it would consume me. i thought i was going to allow myself to be a person i never wanted to be... bitter, lost, hopeless, loveless, even thoughtless.

i fought so hard to push myself through life. no one knows the demons i over came. the pain that constantly paralyzed me. the thoughts in my head, became my only source of breathing. it was just maddening. i lived in my head. in this dark place i created, except i had no control. i was like god, looking down and trying so hard to help, but being powerless. i just sat back and watched.

all the things i thought i believed, were never real. the words people spoke to me, were not true. the feelings i received, the touches, the kisses, the hugs... they never meant a thing. an illusion.

sometimes i think of my past. it seems so unreal to me. seems like someone else lived it. that it was someone else who had to over come all those obstacles. sometimes i wonder how i managed to fight my way out. how i managed to say, "ENOUGH!" how i managed to walk away, and never fucking look back.

i wish i would of done certain things differently. to change some of the things i had done. but i guess, in the end, i was meant to make all those mistakes. i guess, all that anger, sadness, hopelessness, pain, heartache.. i guess even that void, was fuel enough for me to book it so fast. to give me the strength to look forward and backwards.

and that is how i've been living since then. forward. i dare not look back and wonder, what if? fuck that. there is nothing left for me back there. even if some things did end with loose strings, i don't care. let them stay loose.

i love where i am. i love the person i have become. i love what is inside me. i love how i smile more. laugh more. how i love more, and cherish more. i love how i'm more optimistic, more open. i love how my anger has subsided. how i think before i speak. how i try before i give up. how my priorities have been set straight.

no one knows what it's like to feel these things. the world is so much more beautiful and so much brighter. having hope, and love, and purpose in your life is so amazing. feelings i have never felt. i am living proof that life does get better. that life will play out in your favor. you just have to fight. fight until you can't fight anymore. don't give up. don't ever sell yourself short. not for anything, or anybody.

i took pride in myself. i respected myself. i knew my worth. i saw the wonder in me. the love i had to give. and i took all those things, and i put it in what matters most. i devoted all of myself, my thoughts, my words, my heart.. into my life, my family, my friends and to the one person, the only person, who showed me what i can be.. to my partner. to my one and only.

i wake up everyday knowing that no matter what life throws at me. no matter how hard life makes things. or how ugly. or how brutal. i won't be fighting it alone anymore. that i'm protected. that i am safe. that i truly know, darkness doesn't stay forever. light can consume things as well.

while i was doing the dishes, i was thinking to myself how i barely write in livejournal anymore. i use to be an lj whore, now.. i can do without it.

why? i think it's because i am happy. i have no complaints, no girl problems, no work issues, no family issues, no friends issues. not to say that my life is perfect, it's not. but having marie-eve in my life has made things so much better.

so this post will be a happy one. a post where i can finally, after so long, be proud of everything i have done and accomplished. though it isn't much, it is something. and my biggest accomplishment was marie-eve. haha, i know, how can a girl be my accomplishment. but she is. i found her, i finally found her. some people don't ever find that perfect person. that "soul mate" you long for. and i did. and she, nor anyone else on this planet, will ever know what she means to me.

she has supported me through so much. she has helped me, encouraged me, taught me new things, showed me new things.. she continues to be an inspiration in my life. she, has made me such a better person. a person i thought i never could become. a person i thought i would never in my dreams become, let alone deserve.

i thank god for helping me find her. and i thank him for not letting me fuck it up. i never thought i'd deserve a girl like her. she's smart, and funny, and hard working, and classy, and beautiful, she's mature and immature, she's caring and loving, she's out going and just fun to be around. and i love her more than anything in this world. i wouldn't trade her for anything nor anyone. i don't care what happens in my life, as long as i have her to help me get through any hardships.

my life right now, is so unreal. i couldn't ask for anything more. how i got this lucky? i don't know. did i deserve it? i don't think so. but i will cherish what was given to me.

i know this is sappy. and i know this is so corny and cliche. but life needs that too. you need that balanace. i was living in the negative and horriblness for so long, that it's nice to have this side.

and i owe all this, to the love of my life. i owe all of who i am, to her.

Take a look at me now.

i think i'm done with this livejournal stuff.
i rarely write in here anymore anyways.
i don't need this to figure myself out anymore.
i know who i am.
what i want and where i am going.

i found someone i can talk to.
about anything and everything.
i don't have to walk on egg shells.
for once, that's awesome.

i am in a good place in my life.
filtering out all the bad.
all the negative.

i'm done letting other people drain me of life.
i'm going to put that energy into something positive.


so, um, yeah.
bye livejournal

love, melissa silva

i'm so exhausted.
i'm running on 4 hours of sleep.
my body is fucked.
my eyes burn.
my jaw hurts from yawning.
but i couldn't get back to sleep.

i kept checking on my mom to make sure she was still breathing..
that's pretty gay, no?

you never think that something bad would ever happen.
it'd never hit that close to home.
and when it does, let me tell you.. it's a numb feeling.
i still think it's not real.
it's weird.

i knew this day was going to come.
i just thought it'd be later than sooner..

i haven't prepared myself for this.
actually, i don't think i'll ever be ready for it..

With nothing to do
you'd waste away
obscure in exile
they've witnessed the times
you've gone astray
whose fault?
now you're thinking...
ah,there's nothing to prove
a message from the crowd to the shore...


And it feels now
just like heavens coming down


So strange are the ways,
they all have changed
still life it stays the same
a break from the past
could make it last
oh, maybe just alittle longer
now there's nothing to prove
a message from the crowd to the shore...


And it feels now
just like heavens coming down
your soul, shakes free
as its conscience hits the ground

You surrender
love under will
rest assured baby, you're adored, oh.

And it feels now
just like heavens coming down
your soul, shakes free
as its conscience hits the ground
these times,this fate,
takes a path you didn't choose
stay strong, keep faith
there's a change that's
coming through
hold on, my love
hold on, my love
hold on, my love
Feels like heavens coming down.

the only thing i know, is that i can't do this anymore..

And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right

But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy
You'll see..

What goes around comes back around
I thought I told ya, hey
What goes around comes back around

i like how people walk away so easily from me.
i like how they take me for granted.

but when i get fed up, and i leave..
and when they notice i'm gone,
or that i'm slipping from them..
they tell me this
"you don't care."

what kills me the most is, when i did care..
it didn't matter.


what more do you want from me?
you always do this to me.
it's the same old story with you.
and i'm tired of the same fucking ending.

i like when we sit in your car.
i like that we talk about anything and everything.
even when we don't talk, and we just sit there..
me holding you. you holding me.
i love when you smile.
i love the way you look at me.
you make me feel like nothing else in this whole shitty world matters..
and it doesn't.
you and i matter, that's all.

i know this is crazy, but fuck it.
let it be crazy.
let it have no logic or reason.
i don't care.
the only thing i care about is knowing you are so perfect for me.
you actually give a fuck about me.
i feel it when you touch me.
when you listen to me.
you listen to me..
you understand me.
you don't get upset at me.
even when i get frustrated at life.

when you kiss me, it gives me so much butterflies.
i've never felt that..
i've kissed many people.
but you are the only one who's managed to move me so deep.
so fucking deep.
i feel it in my bones.

we are living a cheesy romance novel.
but i love every second of it.
you make me believe that happy endings CAN come true.

you're it.
you're everything i want.
everything i've needed.
i feel like you are part of me.
that we were cut from the same mold.
you truly are my soulmate..

how crazy is that?
pretty crazy eh?
am i losing my mind?
probably.
but fuck..
she really is the perfect person.
the perfect person for me..

they're right when they say that all the shit you go through is worth it when you meet the right person.
i'd go through hell with all those girls again, if it would mean that it'd lead me back to you.
because now, i will appreciate you so much more.
those girls, they were meaningless.
they don't and will never compare to you..

i thought what i felt in the past was real.
i was foolish.
this.. you and i.. what we have..
that's real.
i know it.
deep down inside.

it's you and i forever.
i can see myself waking up to you for the rest of my life.
i can see you as my wife.
i can see us having a family.
i can picture us growing old together.

you make me fucking happy.
i adore you

i'm lucky.
i don't even know what i did to deserve this.. but i'm happy.
it was like she was made for me.
every little thing about her..

i really think this is it. as stupid as that sounds and as crazy as that is.
she's the one.
the way she kisses me, the way she touches me.
it does something to me inside.
it's insane.

she makes me feel like a kid again. where everything was so new, so beautiful.. so innocent.
nothing in my past matters when i am with her. all i live for is the moments when i am with her. when she is near me. when she holds my hand. when she talks to me and when she kisses me.

i am so into her, and i adore it.
i connect with her.
we can talk about anything and everything.
and she gets me. she understands me. where people always fail to get me.
i got so lucky.

she's probably the best thing that's happened to me.

lately feelings have been coming in such an abundance. it is very overwhelming.
it's like my life is spinning out of control and the impact will be ever so gently.
everything is different.
really different.
i feel different..


nothing makes sense anymore. nothing smells the same, tastes the same, feels the same, looks the same and nothing has the same meaning it once did. seems like i am such a mess inside. like i'm causing myself some bad turbulance.. yet i feel so calm. i am so calm it's scary. with everything that has happened and is happening.. it just doesn't phase me. i'm not numb, no.. calm. peaceful.

is this what happens before you crash head first into a wall of bricks?

a friend told me something once.
she told me, "you can't save everyone small caps."
and she's right.
i can't save everyone.
i can't save anymore.
because that's not me anymore.

like you, i am different.
i'm not the same.
i KNOW my worth.

this girl makes me feel so amazing inside.
i have never met another human like her.
she is one in a billion.
just when i was ready to give up..

how did i get so lucky?

i love the way you guilt trip me.
i love how you always manage to make ME feel like i am the jerk.
you were always so skilled in those areas.

i'm sorry i made other plans.
i'm sorry you only call me when you realize no one else around you cares half as much as i do.
and i'm sorry that when no one else is there to listen, you come to me.
i am your comfort.
a comfort you have been abusing.

i'm only important to you when YOU want me to be important to you.
get use to not always getting your way, because i won't let myself succum to your every need and demand.

i won't build anything around you anymore.
that only fucks up MY life.

realize i have feelings too, and if you want me to understand and respect yours,
you damn better understand and respect mine too.

what the fuck am i doing?
seriously.
what the fuck?

maybe it's just best that i keep lying to myself.
it'll make the days go by easier.
it'll make everything better.
if i force feed myself enough bullshit, one day i will believe it.

that's exactly what i'll do.
and if that doesn't work, then well..
i'm fucked.
plain and simple.

i just wish people would stop fucking with me.
so much of this shit shouldn't of happened.
i don't think anyone realizes how messed up it's made me.
how you see me, is not really how i am.
it's what i want you to see.

because inside, i'm a mess.
and i really am starting to believe this is it.
this is me.
i am damaged.
and nothing is ever going to fix it.


i am talking to this sweet girl.
she is everything you could possibly want in a person.
and it's a shame she will never get as close to me as she wants to be.
how do i tell her?
how CAN i tell her?
how do i say, "i will never trust you. i will never let you in so deep. i can never be what you are looking for. what makes me think you aren't like everyone else out there?"
how do you punish someone, for other peoples actions?
she doesn't deserve that.
she should get a chance.
but she never will.

she's better off anyways.
cuz in the end, i never end up what people want.
i'm only good for as long as someone needs me.

maybe being alone is the best thing for me.
it's either that, or always having this fear haunt me when i am with someone.
and i know being with anyone is a risk.
but i always get fucked over in the most brutal way by girls.
and i don't think i want to take that risk anymore.
no one is worth that.

no one.

i don't know if i should beat myself up over this.
i don't know if i should care, or if i shouldn't.
if i should just let it be, or fight for it.
do i let it go, or hold it close?
to i let it break me, or make me?

i always seem to have the worse timing for things.
"don't think of this as a rejection, but bad timing."
i'm always cursed with bad timing.
when will it be the RIGHT time?
is there such thing as a right time?
a good time?
is time at all anything pleasant?

my eyes have been opened to many things.
what i have shut myself away from..
what i have made myself blind to,
couldn't be kept at a distance anymore.
everything collapsed.
it was like a domino effect.
it was just one thing, then another, then another..
i don't know why any of this is bothering me, or still bothers me.
i don't want it to.
sometimes i don't care.
then at times i care way too much.

i think things have changed,
but then i think they haven't.
i don't know if anything does really change.
and if things appear to have changed, then that's the best illusion in the world.

i'm trying to find meaning in things.
i appreciate things.
to learn from my mistakes.
but why do i feel stuck,
like i haven't accomplished anything?
why then, do i feel like i'm just pushing myself even more backwards than i am fowards?

sometimes i want everyone to just fucking vanish..
but i can't stand when they do.
half the time i want to set this whole planet on fire and just watch everything burn and die.
to hear everyone scream and cry and panic.
i want to hear the terror in everyones soul.
but then, the world shows me the beauty in it.
and all i want to do it help it grow.
help it become even more beautiful and astonishing.

i hate people, but i love them.
i think the world is ugly, but so beautiful.
i don't want to care, but i end up caring too much.
i state clearly that i am not a saviour, but that is all i allow myself to be.
a saviour.
to the mass.
the comfort,
they cling to.

and after that moment.
i am nothing.
and i am left with all these feelings.
all these thoughts.
all these emotions.
all these ideas.
all these scars.
all these tears.
all this hurt.
all this pain.
all this abuse.
all these nightmares.

i am tormented.
i am left, wanting to see everything around me destroyed.
i'm so broken inside, that i want to show the world exactly what it has done to me.
how it has crushed me.
how it's crushed it's fucking saviour.
that never fucking asked to be a saviour.
that didn't want to be anything.

i didn't want to be any of these things.
but the worst part,
the part that makes me even more sick,
is that i still allow myself to become that
"automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people."

in the end, it is the saviour that is destroying itself.
cuz we are expendable.
and we know that.
us saviours, know we are nothing.
nothing but comfort.

i have this weird unsettling feeling in the pit of my tummy.
and i don't know why.
it makes me feel sick at times.

i hate this feeling.
it's the most unpleasent thing i have ever felt.
it comes and goes sometimes.
and each time it comes back, it grows stronger and stronger.

i'm all broken inside and i don't know how to fix it anymore.

my left eye keeps twitching. it's been doing this for like a week and a half now.
mental breakdown on the way?
oh hell yes.

p.s. subway doors crushed me today.
i hate old chinese ladies.
and i am not racist.
they're just meanies who like to PUSH people out of the way.


i hate people, but you already knew that :)

BYE!

i need a fucking hug right now..
and someone to fucking tell me it's all going to be okay.
even if they're lying.. i don't fucking care.
i just need it..