Pass The Flask

If you want to get out alive, run for your life

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 18:42:38 GMT

my life has changed tremendously. i honestly never thought my life would ever turn out this way. all those nights where i felt so hopeless, so down, so.. numb. those were the worst feelings in the world. i had such a void inside of me, so big that i thought one day it would consume me. i thought i was going to allow myself to be a person i never wanted to be... bitter, lost, hopeless, loveless, even thoughtless.

i fought so hard to push myself through life. no one knows the demons i over came. the pain that constantly paralyzed me. the thoughts in my head, became my only source of breathing. it was just maddening. i lived in my head. in this dark place i created, except i had no control. i was like god, looking down and trying so hard to help, but being powerless. i just sat back and watched.

all the things i thought i believed, were never real. the words people spoke to me, were not true. the feelings i received, the touches, the kisses, the hugs... they never meant a thing. an illusion.

sometimes i think of my past. it seems so unreal to me. seems like someone else lived it. that it was someone else who had to over come all those obstacles. sometimes i wonder how i managed to fight my way out. how i managed to say, "ENOUGH!" how i managed to walk away, and never fucking look back.

i wish i would of done certain things differently. to change some of the things i had done. but i guess, in the end, i was meant to make all those mistakes. i guess, all that anger, sadness, hopelessness, pain, heartache.. i guess even that void, was fuel enough for me to book it so fast. to give me the strength to look forward and backwards.

and that is how i've been living since then. forward. i dare not look back and wonder, what if? fuck that. there is nothing left for me back there. even if some things did end with loose strings, i don't care. let them stay loose.

i love where i am. i love the person i have become. i love what is inside me. i love how i smile more. laugh more. how i love more, and cherish more. i love how i'm more optimistic, more open. i love how my anger has subsided. how i think before i speak. how i try before i give up. how my priorities have been set straight.

no one knows what it's like to feel these things. the world is so much more beautiful and so much brighter. having hope, and love, and purpose in your life is so amazing. feelings i have never felt. i am living proof that life does get better. that life will play out in your favor. you just have to fight. fight until you can't fight anymore. don't give up. don't ever sell yourself short. not for anything, or anybody.

i took pride in myself. i respected myself. i knew my worth. i saw the wonder in me. the love i had to give. and i took all those things, and i put it in what matters most. i devoted all of myself, my thoughts, my words, my heart.. into my life, my family, my friends and to the one person, the only person, who showed me what i can be.. to my partner. to my one and only.

i wake up everyday knowing that no matter what life throws at me. no matter how hard life makes things. or how ugly. or how brutal. i won't be fighting it alone anymore. that i'm protected. that i am safe. that i truly know, darkness doesn't stay forever. light can consume things as well.

sunshine, lollipops and rainbows (sometimes life IS cliche!)

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 21:39:25 GMT

while i was doing the dishes, i was thinking to myself how i barely write in livejournal anymore. i use to be an lj whore, now.. i can do without it.

why? i think it's because i am happy. i have no complaints, no girl problems, no work issues, no family issues, no friends issues. not to say that my life is perfect, it's not. but having marie-eve in my life has made things so much better.

so this post will be a happy one. a post where i can finally, after so long, be proud of everything i have done and accomplished. though it isn't much, it is something. and my biggest accomplishment was marie-eve. haha, i know, how can a girl be my accomplishment. but she is. i found her, i finally found her. some people don't ever find that perfect person. that "soul mate" you long for. and i did. and she, nor anyone else on this planet, will ever know what she means to me.

she has supported me through so much. she has helped me, encouraged me, taught me new things, showed me new things.. she continues to be an inspiration in my life. she, has made me such a better person. a person i thought i never could become. a person i thought i would never in my dreams become, let alone deserve.

i thank god for helping me find her. and i thank him for not letting me fuck it up. i never thought i'd deserve a girl like her. she's smart, and funny, and hard working, and classy, and beautiful, she's mature and immature, she's caring and loving, she's out going and just fun to be around. and i love her more than anything in this world. i wouldn't trade her for anything nor anyone. i don't care what happens in my life, as long as i have her to help me get through any hardships.

my life right now, is so unreal. i couldn't ask for anything more. how i got this lucky? i don't know. did i deserve it? i don't think so. but i will cherish what was given to me.

i know this is sappy. and i know this is so corny and cliche. but life needs that too. you need that balanace. i was living in the negative and horriblness for so long, that it's nice to have this side.

and i owe all this, to the love of my life. i owe all of who i am, to her.

I'm Back In Black (Maybe Only For A Moment..)

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 19:17:14 GMT

Take a look at me now.

i'm allllllllllll growed up!

Tue, 06 May 2008 02:25:52 GMT

i think i'm done with this livejournal stuff.
i rarely write in here anymore anyways.
i don't need this to figure myself out anymore.
i know who i am.
what i want and where i am going.

i found someone i can talk to.
about anything and everything.
i don't have to walk on egg shells.
for once, that's awesome.

i am in a good place in my life.
filtering out all the bad.
all the negative.

i'm done letting other people drain me of life.
i'm going to put that energy into something positive.

so, um, yeah.
bye livejournal

love, melissa silva

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 21:58:33 GMT

i'm so exhausted.
i'm running on 4 hours of sleep.
my body is fucked.
my eyes burn.
my jaw hurts from yawning.
but i couldn't get back to sleep.

i kept checking on my mom to make sure she was still breathing..
that's pretty gay, no?

you never think that something bad would ever happen.
it'd never hit that close to home.
and when it does, let me tell you.. it's a numb feeling.
i still think it's not real.
it's weird.

i knew this day was going to come.
i just thought it'd be later than sooner..

i haven't prepared myself for this.
actually, i don't think i'll ever be ready for it..

Tea Party

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 22:05:26 GMT

With nothing to do
you'd waste away
obscure in exile
they've witnessed the times
you've gone astray
whose fault?
now you're thinking...
ah,there's nothing to prove
a message from the crowd to the shore...

And it feels now
just like heavens coming down

So strange are the ways,
they all have changed
still life it stays the same
a break from the past
could make it last
oh, maybe just alittle longer
now there's nothing to prove
a message from the crowd to the shore...

And it feels now
just like heavens coming down
your soul, shakes free
as its conscience hits the ground

You surrender
love under will
rest assured baby, you're adored, oh.

And it feels now
just like heavens coming down
your soul, shakes free
as its conscience hits the ground
these times,this fate,
takes a path you didn't choose
stay strong, keep faith
there's a change that's
coming through
hold on, my love
hold on, my love
hold on, my love
Feels like heavens coming down.

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 23:17:37 GMT

the only thing i know, is that i can't do this anymore..

bitter taste

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:02:45 GMT

And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right

But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy
You'll see..

What goes around comes back around
I thought I told ya, hey
What goes around comes back around

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 21:14:07 GMT

i like how people walk away so easily from me.
i like how they take me for granted.

but when i get fed up, and i leave..
and when they notice i'm gone,
or that i'm slipping from them..
they tell me this
"you don't care."

what kills me the most is, when i did care..
it didn't matter.

what more do you want from me?
you always do this to me.
it's the same old story with you.
and i'm tired of the same fucking ending.

she's so perfect

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 22:34:02 GMT

i like when we sit in your car.
i like that we talk about anything and everything.
even when we don't talk, and we just sit there..
me holding you. you holding me.
i love when you smile.
i love the way you look at me.
you make me feel like nothing else in this whole shitty world matters..
and it doesn't.
you and i matter, that's all.

i know this is crazy, but fuck it.
let it be crazy.
let it have no logic or reason.
i don't care.
the only thing i care about is knowing you are so perfect for me.
you actually give a fuck about me.
i feel it when you touch me.
when you listen to me.
you listen to me..
you understand me.
you don't get upset at me.
even when i get frustrated at life.

when you kiss me, it gives me so much butterflies.
i've never felt that..
i've kissed many people.
but you are the only one who's managed to move me so deep.
so fucking deep.
i feel it in my bones.

we are living a cheesy romance novel.
but i love every second of it.
you make me believe that happy endings CAN come true.

you're it.
you're everything i want.
everything i've needed.
i feel like you are part of me.
that we were cut from the same mold.
you truly are my soulmate..

how crazy is that?
pretty crazy eh?
am i losing my mind?
probably.
but fuck..
she really is the perfect person.
the perfect person for me..

they're right when they say that all the shit you go through is worth it when you meet the right person.
i'd go through hell with all those girls again, if it would mean that it'd lead me back to you.
because now, i will appreciate you so much more.
those girls, they were meaningless.
they don't and will never compare to you..

i thought what i felt in the past was real.
i was foolish.
this.. you and i.. what we have..
that's real.
i know it.
deep down inside.

it's you and i forever.
i can see myself waking up to you for the rest of my life.
i can see you as my wife.
i can see us having a family.
i can picture us growing old together.

you make me fucking happy.
i adore you

nothing is logical when you are a child

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 21:14:58 GMT

i'm lucky.
i don't even know what i did to deserve this.. but i'm happy.
it was like she was made for me.
every little thing about her..

i really think this is it. as stupid as that sounds and as crazy as that is.
she's the one.
the way she kisses me, the way she touches me.
it does something to me inside.
it's insane.

she makes me feel like a kid again. where everything was so new, so beautiful.. so innocent.
nothing in my past matters when i am with her. all i live for is the moments when i am with her. when she is near me. when she holds my hand. when she talks to me and when she kisses me.

i am so into her, and i adore it.
i connect with her.
we can talk about anything and everything.
and she gets me. she understands me. where people always fail to get me.
i got so lucky.

she's probably the best thing that's happened to me.

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 17:32:24 GMT

lately feelings have been coming in such an abundance. it is very overwhelming.
it's like my life is spinning out of control and the impact will be ever so gently.
everything is different.
really different.
i feel different..

nothing makes sense anymore. nothing smells the same, tastes the same, feels the same, looks the same and nothing has the same meaning it once did. seems like i am such a mess inside. like i'm causing myself some bad turbulance.. yet i feel so calm. i am so calm it's scary. with everything that has happened and is happening.. it just doesn't phase me. i'm not numb, no.. calm. peaceful.

is this what happens before you crash head first into a wall of bricks?

pull me out of the aircrash, pull me out of the lake.. cuz i'm your superhereo

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 00:11:18 GMT

a friend told me something once.
she told me, "you can't save everyone small caps."
and she's right.
i can't save everyone.
i can't save anymore.
because that's not me anymore.

like you, i am different.
i'm not the same.
i KNOW my worth.

i've got it bad

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 20:40:32 GMT

this girl makes me feel so amazing inside.
i have never met another human like her.
she is one in a billion.
just when i was ready to give up..

how did i get so lucky?

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 20:41:40 GMT

i love the way you guilt trip me.
i love how you always manage to make ME feel like i am the jerk.
you were always so skilled in those areas.

i'm sorry i made other plans.
i'm sorry you only call me when you realize no one else around you cares half as much as i do.
and i'm sorry that when no one else is there to listen, you come to me.
i am your comfort.
a comfort you have been abusing.

i'm only important to you when YOU want me to be important to you.
get use to not always getting your way, because i won't let myself succum to your every need and demand.

i won't build anything around you anymore.
that only fucks up MY life.

realize i have feelings too, and if you want me to understand and respect yours,
you damn better understand and respect mine too.

one bad apple spoils the whole bunch

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 05:24:34 GMT

what the fuck am i doing?
seriously.
what the fuck?

maybe it's just best that i keep lying to myself.
it'll make the days go by easier.
it'll make everything better.
if i force feed myself enough bullshit, one day i will believe it.

that's exactly what i'll do.
and if that doesn't work, then well..
i'm fucked.
plain and simple.

i just wish people would stop fucking with me.
so much of this shit shouldn't of happened.
i don't think anyone realizes how messed up it's made me.
how you see me, is not really how i am.
it's what i want you to see.

because inside, i'm a mess.
and i really am starting to believe this is it.
this is me.
i am damaged.
and nothing is ever going to fix it.

i am talking to this sweet girl.
she is everything you could possibly want in a person.
and it's a shame she will never get as close to me as she wants to be.
how do i tell her?
how CAN i tell her?
how do i say, "i will never trust you. i will never let you in so deep. i can never be what you are looking for. what makes me think you aren't like everyone else out there?"
how do you punish someone, for other peoples actions?
she doesn't deserve that.
she should get a chance.
but she never will.

she's better off anyways.
cuz in the end, i never end up what people want.
i'm only good for as long as someone needs me.

maybe being alone is the best thing for me.
it's either that, or always having this fear haunt me when i am with someone.
and i know being with anyone is a risk.
but i always get fucked over in the most brutal way by girls.
and i don't think i want to take that risk anymore.
no one is worth that.

no one.

Angel Islington

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 00:14:38 GMT

i don't know if i should beat myself up over this.
i don't know if i should care, or if i shouldn't.
if i should just let it be, or fight for it.
do i let it go, or hold it close?
to i let it break me, or make me?

i always seem to have the worse timing for things.
"don't think of this as a rejection, but bad timing."
i'm always cursed with bad timing.
when will it be the RIGHT time?
is there such thing as a right time?
a good time?
is time at all anything pleasant?

my eyes have been opened to many things.
what i have shut myself away from..
what i have made myself blind to,
couldn't be kept at a distance anymore.
everything collapsed.
it was like a domino effect.
it was just one thing, then another, then another..
i don't know why any of this is bothering me, or still bothers me.
i don't want it to.
sometimes i don't care.
then at times i care way too much.

i think things have changed,
but then i think they haven't.
i don't know if anything does really change.
and if things appear to have changed, then that's the best illusion in the world.

i'm trying to find meaning in things.
i appreciate things.
to learn from my mistakes.
but why do i feel stuck,
like i haven't accomplished anything?
why then, do i feel like i'm just pushing myself even more backwards than i am fowards?

sometimes i want everyone to just fucking vanish..
but i can't stand when they do.
half the time i want to set this whole planet on fire and just watch everything burn and die.
to hear everyone scream and cry and panic.
i want to hear the terror in everyones soul.
but then, the world shows me the beauty in it.
and all i want to do it help it grow.
help it become even more beautiful and astonishing.

i hate people, but i love them.
i think the world is ugly, but so beautiful.
i don't want to care, but i end up caring too much.
i state clearly that i am not a saviour, but that is all i allow myself to be.
a saviour.
to the mass.
the comfort,
they cling to.

and after that moment.
i am nothing.
and i am left with all these feelings.
all these thoughts.
all these emotions.
all these ideas.
all these scars.
all these tears.
all this hurt.
all this pain.
all this abuse.
all these nightmares.

i am tormented.
i am left, wanting to see everything around me destroyed.
i'm so broken inside, that i want to show the world exactly what it has done to me.
how it has crushed me.
how it's crushed it's fucking saviour.
that never fucking asked to be a saviour.
that didn't want to be anything.

i didn't want to be any of these things.
but the worst part,
the part that makes me even more sick,
is that i still allow myself to become that
"automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people."

in the end, it is the saviour that is destroying itself.
cuz we are expendable.
and we know that.
us saviours, know we are nothing.
nothing but comfort.

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 02:30:28 GMT

i have this weird unsettling feeling in the pit of my tummy.
and i don't know why.
it makes me feel sick at times.

i hate this feeling.
it's the most unpleasent thing i have ever felt.
it comes and goes sometimes.
and each time it comes back, it grows stronger and stronger.

i'm all broken inside and i don't know how to fix it anymore.

any day now..

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 00:05:37 GMT

my left eye keeps twitching. it's been doing this for like a week and a half now.
mental breakdown on the way?
oh hell yes.

p.s. subway doors crushed me today.
i hate old chinese ladies.
and i am not racist.
they're just meanies who like to PUSH people out of the way.

i hate people, but you already knew that :)

BYE!

i don't know if i've ever been really loved by a hand thats touched me

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 07:46:10 GMT

i need a fucking hug right now..
and someone to fucking tell me it's all going to be okay.
even if they're lying.. i don't fucking care.
i just need it..

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 04:53:49 GMT

i'm an idiot.
if you were to look up idiot in the dictionary, you'd see a picture of my face.
yup. idiot.
me.

i'm a fucking knob

fear is just a feeling... fear can never kill you

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 03:21:50 GMT

i like spending time with my mom, she can be really cool when she wants to be.
i had fun with her today, i hope we can have more days like this. just one where we can go to a bakery and just talk and laugh. i love her so much :s i honestly don't know what i would do without her. i swear i'd fall apart. as much as her and i fight sometimes, nothing would ever make me love her any less. and it's little moments like the ones we had today that make life so beautiful. though i wish i could tell her EVERYTHING, i know i don't have to. she just knows, and her just knowing and still loving me means the whole world to me. it's an unspoken connection.

hmm.. what else. um, my love life is still rocky. but my dating life is not bad. i had 3 girls ask me on a date in the span of like a night. hahaha. which is pretty cool, i guess. ugh, i should be happy right? i mean, girls are askin me out. i don't know. i don't even know why i go on dates. dates are basically like going shopping. you date to see if you find something like. but i already know what i like, and what i wanna buy.. haha. i think the only reason i go on dates it's cuz i think i have to? i don't know. i'm dumb. who complains about HAVING dates? only me..

i just wish i had some balls and stop being a fucking pansy. another day i keep my mouth shut, is another day that goes by without her knowing what's inside my head. even if she laughs at me, calls me pathetic, or never talks to me again.. she should know that she's floating around in my brain. girls make me nervous. especially this girl. stupid girls. i wish i didn't feel this way. but all this stuff that's happening or that has happened, must be for a reason right?

i mean, god always has a path for us to take. maybe this is god saying, "melissa, you have ONE last chance to make it right. DON'T FUCK IT UP! grow some fucking balls, what is the worse that can happen? you have nothing to lose!"

i just get scared. so scared. she makes me nervous. i babble like a FOOL when i try to talk to her about my "feelings." darn it.

my life a year ago was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than this. actually, no. no it wasen't. well some aspects were. ahhhhhhhhh this is so fucked up. maybe i should just let sleeping dogs lie. or however that stupid saying goes.

ugh, i can't wait until tomorrow. yay for tomorrow and yay for pay day. i'm excited for the weekend.

anyways, i'm out!

mthm

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 05:01:40 GMT

so olivias in the hospital, and it makes me all fucked up to see her like that. but i know she'll be better. kids strong as hell. i just hate seeing wires stick out of people, especially little people :( i love you munk.

the weekend was pretty awesome. had a lot of fun. got a new cell phone, in my OWN name. i finally got call display, and voicemail! yeah, VOICEMAIL! haha.. got a my 5 and all that junk. and my new phone if pretty fucking sexy too.

everything seems to be calm lately.. well except for my monkey being sick. besides that, my life is awesome. it's amazing how clear you can see things when you clear your head of fog. i'm enjoying my life, and the people in my life. danny and i are closer than ever. and i fucking love it. we have a blast when we are together. he makes me feel happy, he also gives me damn good advice.. if only i'd listen hahaha <3

my relationships with people are growing, and expanding. i've opened up to new things. i'm doing alot more, and lovin' every moment of it. i'm becoming closer to people i strayed away from. i'm finally the person i've always wanted to be. for once, i think i am really happy. no more negative things in my life, negative things that were brought on by negative people. as i grow i realize life is about surrounding yourself with positive people. people who love you for you.. people who have always been there, and always will be there through good and bad. everyone else, don't fucking matter.

life is too short to waste it on people who are only going to drain you. who'll only drag you down. forget that. forget them.

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 04:49:44 GMT

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

FUCK!

stuck in a seth cohen moment

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 16:53:43 GMT

On Bended Knee
Boys II Men

Darlin' I can't explain
Where did we lose our way
Girl it's drivin' me insane
And I know I just need one more chance
To prove my love to you
If you come back to me
I'll guarantee
That I'll never let you go

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
The way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

So many nights I dream of you
Holding my pillow tight
I know I don't need to be alone
When I open up my eyes
To face reality
Every moment without you
It seems like eternity
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
The way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

Gonna swallow my pride
Say I'm sorry
Stop pointing fingers the blame is on me
I want a new life
And I want it with you
If you feel the same
Don't ever let it go
You gotta believe in the spirit of love
It can heal all things
We won't hurt any more
No I don't believe our love's terminal
I'm down on my knees begging you please
Come home

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
The way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

Wanna build a new life
Just you and me
Gonna make you my wife
Raise a family